Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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