I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
