i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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