just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
