all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
