i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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