I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
