my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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