im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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