A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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