my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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