Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
