got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
