my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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