i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
