Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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