Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
