she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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