At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
