I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
