she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Barsexuality is the new black.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
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