you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
