Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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