i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
