Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
