mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
