I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
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is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
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He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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