after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
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Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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