So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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