dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
