The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
