dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
