if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
i now understand why vodka
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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