I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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