wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
