so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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