she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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