Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
