as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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