it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
