I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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