everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
