I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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