Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
