I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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