My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
