Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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