Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
