can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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