Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
