take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
