Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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