My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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