DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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