So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
