i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
