Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
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I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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